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I
make the infinity sign keeping my head still and
moving my eyes.
After about seven to ten times, the old
man says,
“That’s
enough.”
I
put my hands down and take another deep breath. I look at him, smile and say, “Thanks, I’m feeling
much better.”
Although
the sun is behind him, making it difficult for
me to see him clearly, I take a moment and look
at him more closely.
I can see that he is wearing
loose-fitting pants with a waistband, string
tie, a casual, short-sleeved knit shirt, and a
western style sun hat.
His hair is almost shoulder length and
appears brilliant white in the bright sun.
I
return to my car and pull on the hand brake.
I also check to be sure that the car is
in gear.
It isn’t.
I put it in gear, return to the rear of
the car, re-set the jack and raise the flat tire
off the ground.
The lug nuts are already loose, so I
easily remove all five of them and carefully
place them in the hubcap.
I lean the flat tire against the side of
the car.
At
that point, I stop and take another deep breath.
I turn to the old man and say, “See, I
can do something right.”
He
says nothing.
He just smiles and watches me.
I pick the spare tire up off its side and
roll it to the wheel.
As I attempt to place it on the wheel, it
becomes obvious that I need to raise the jack
about another inch and a half.
I lean the spare against the tire that is
flat and confidently move to the jack.
Because I am wearing the pants from my
best suit, I squat down to avoid kneeling on the
blacktop.
As
I turn the jack handle, the raising of the car
causes the flat tire to slip.
The movement of the flat tire causes the
spare tire to fall over.
As it falls it spins like a coin, going
faster and faster with each revolution as it
spins closer and closer to the ground.
I just squat there watching as the tire
clips the edge of the hubcap flipping my so
carefully placed lug nuts up into the air.
Four of the five nuts come down on the
storm drain cover and disappear into the
blackness below.
My
mouth drops open.
My right knee touches the pavement.
I just stare at the storm drain.
The old man says nothing.
He just watches.
The passing of another truck breaks my
spell.
I get up scratching my head.
I glance to the old man.
He’s still silently watching as I go
over to the storm drain.
I kneel down, pick up the one remaining
nut and peer into the storm drain.
I can see only blackness.
I put my face close to the bars and
shield my face with my hands.
Still, I can see nothing but
blackness.
I reach down and tug at the bars.
They don’t budge. In quiet desperation, I get up, walk to the rear of the
car, pick up the lug wrench and return to the
storm drain.
“Sonny.”
“What!”
I yell at him.
“You
don’t need to yell.
I’m not deaf either.”
“What
do you want?”
“I
don’t want anything.
Before you lose your lug wrench, too,
I‘ll offer another suggestion if you’d
like.”
“OK!
What?” I bark back at him.
“Take
one nut off each of the other three wheels and
use them to hold your spare on.
That will get you to the garage that’s
just half mile down the road.” He points down the road in the direction I was
originally headed.
I’m
completely relieved and begin to laugh about
this whole fiasco and particularly about my
uninvited mentor.
I walk over to him and say,
“Old man, what’s your name?”
“Herbert,”
he replies, “Herbert Bernstein.”
“Herbert,
I’ve got one big question for you.”
“Sure,
Sonny, what is it?”
“I’m
out here messing up my day, and you’re in
there, cool as a cucumber, with all the answers.
What are you doing in there?
“Some
of the people think I’m crazy.”
“Well,
if you’re crazy, how come you have all the
answers?”
“Sonny,
I didn’t say I was crazy.
I said, some people think I’m crazy.
But there’s one thing I’m not.
I’m not stupid.”
Again,
I’m blown away.
On one end of this loony bin I’m being
bombarded with bottles, and, on the other end, I
meet someone who, on this day at least, is far
more together than I am.
I
reach through a hole in the fence and shake his
hand.
“Herbert, I’ve got someone I’d like
you to meet.
Her name is Jazbell.”
“Is
she pretty?”
“That
she certainly is.
I’m going to be gone for about a week.
When I get back, I’d like to bring her
to meet you, if that’s okay with you.”
“I
would be honored to meet her.
Please come to see me any time you like. When you get to the reception area just ask for General
Custer.
They’ll know who you mean.”
I
turn to leave and take only one step when I hear
“Sonny?”
I
turn.
“What’s
your name?”
“Stoney,
Stoney L. Tonto.”
Herbert,
or General Custer, or what ever his name is,
shifts into fluent Spanish and says,
“El Tonto?
Es su familia Latina?
[Is your family Latino?]
De donde es ese nombre?
[Where did you get that name?]”
Then
without waiting for a response, he shifts back
into English,
“Why do you wear the name Stoney
‘The Fool?’ You’re no fool, nor are you stupid. A little stubborn maybe, but certainly not stupid.”
“You’re
right,” I say.
“L. Tonto is the pen name I use for the
stories I write. I use it because of its humorous connotations.”
It gives me license to come from a
different vantage point, and my readers like
that approach.”
I
return to my task, and as I’m doing so, I find
myself in another internal dialog.
One part of me is wondering why I’m
explaining myself to an inmate of a funny farm,
and another part is in awe of this man’s
insights.
I wonder,
“What’s he doing in there?”
But then, that’s another story for
another day.
Right
now my appointment is my top priority. Without further incident and without additional comment
from General Custer, I complete the installation
of the spare tire.
As I slam the trunk lid down, I say,
“See you next week, General.
Right now I’m off to Oz to see another
wizard.”
He
waves back and says, “Adios, amigo.”
I
get into my car and speed away.
I stop at the garage, have them replace
the missing lug nuts, and leave the flat tire
for repair.
Though slightly late and unduly sweaty, I
arrive for my appointment feeling good.
My interview goes well, and so now, with Jazbell, General Custer, and Prince Satari
Alphari, I have three stories to write.
End
of Chapter Four -- Nuts, Bottles, and General Custer
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